Today’s adventure in words finds Bridget and I in our closet getting some work done when the afternoon munchies set in.  Now there is a very evil drawer in our closet – as it houses all of the candy for our department (and other various visitors who stop by because they know it’s there).  Often times our stocking guy (I’m just now realizing I honestly don’t know what his position with the company really is) will pick up one of the huge combo bags of candy from Costco and dump it in the candy draw- hang on…

…before I finish that thought, it’s important you understand what I mean when I say “candy drawer”.  The PR candy drawer is quite literally the second drawer of our full sized upright filing cabinet.  THIS is our version of a candy dish.  We are, after all, the PR department and we’re all excitedly motivated by food.  Especially the “not good for you” kind.                                            Here endeth tangent #1 for today’s post.

… from Costco and dump it in the candy drawer.  And he gets the good stuff – the mixed bag with Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups, Twix, Almond Joy, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, etc.  So denying it is virtually impossible.  As the cycle goes, everyone will start by grabbing a couple of their favorites throughout the day.  After a week or so we’re down to just the stuff that isn’t anyone’s favorite, but it’s ok if there’s nothing left.  The final state of this process is when there’s stuff that you’re just waiting for someone, anyone to eat so we can start back at the beginning again. 

Now we are currently right at the tip of the last stage.  And I’ve already snagged a couple of the ones that still fall into my “like” category, but my munchies are still not quite satisfied.

So I voice my frustration to my hbp…and this is where today’s it happened. 

Dottie:  (in a frustrating tone) I have the munchies!

Bridget: (who has immediately started laughing so hard breathing is presenting a challenge) WHAT did you just say to me?

Dottie: <blink, blink> I have the munchies?  <blink, blink> And what did you think I said…?

Breathing became much harder for her at this juncture – and is also the location of today’s magical moment….

Bridget: I HAVE BUTT CHEESE!!!

Apparently should I ever really find myself in such a predicament, Bridget’s not the one I want to confide in!

Now if only I had illustrations for this like Hyperbolie and a Half…

After saying something that amused her she stated:

“When I’m in the shower I think of you and giggle to myself.”

(blink, blink) (blink, blink)

Well THERE’S something you don’t hear everyday!  However, if this is the effect I have on people perhaps I should make a list of individuals whose lives it would behoove me to infiltrate.

Let’s see, who should we place on the list of world domination by means of  conquering their thinking place…

1) The owner of Aston Martin

2) Valentino Rossi

3) The person that decides who can have driver’s licenses

4) …..

For reals – after a half hour of staring at this page I’ve not come up with anyone else, and so I had to pull the plug.  I feel strongly that if it didn’t come to me in that amount of time then it probably wasn’t important enough to spend energy on dominating in the first place.

I mean it takes a lot of energy – dominating, doesn’t it?  You have to have a strong business plan for such a thing.  Blueprints have to be drawn, SO MUCH documentation, large amounts of public speaking…for someone who considers sleeping a hobby, while the thought of world domination sounds quite appealing the logistics of it really kinda make my nose all wrinkly.

So I’ll have to be content to simply rule my own World of Dottie and those who already fall under the umbrella of this incredibly superior community-and if they happen to be in the shower at the time then so be it, the owner of Aston Martin, Valentino Rossi, and the individual(s) responsible for who can be on the road (which really should be me anyway, come now!), thus preserving my availability for napping.

Today’s lovely quote is quite the mental picture.

I’m trying to make a beard out of pimple scabs.

Yup.  That’s sometimes where my day unexpectedly goes.

I’m very blessed.

We’ve not been able to watch any of the American Idol auditions yet, but we love, love, LOVE them.  You just can’t script this kind of train wreck comedy.  We don’t typically watch beyond the try-outs…they’re all pretty good by that point and the gawk-value has dissolved (though I’m not gonna lie – that 16 year old country boy from North Carolina? South Carolina? …he was at the Milwaukee try-outs…whatever – he’s the one I’m rooting for.  I DIG HIM FO SHO!).

Anyway, tonight we’ve been playing catch up and enjoying every minute of it.  So you know the ones that they spend extra time with doing extra interviews and background?  No no – not those.  The ones they spend extra time with that you just KNOW are going to be painful to watch – and yet…you must.

And it was out of this moment that today’s QOTD was conceived

“Ohhh no no no.  No one wants to see a horny dork.”

“I ran the forklift right into my boob!”

And the day was complete.

“Ohhh no no no.  No one wants to see a horny dork.”

Craig feels strongly that this one should actually be a t-shirt.

I got to pick my own phone number – the last 4 digits of mine are 4Dot-how perfect is THAT !?- and now I have a phone number I can filter not my people through.  It keeps us from needing a land line simply for those who don’t rate well enough to get our cell phones.  If I don’t know you on a personal level, there’s no way you’re getting my real number.  Now, once you have your GV number picked you can setup voice mail for it like you would any other number, and you can choose to have those who call your GV number reroute to your cell (or not).  What’s nice about routing these calls to your cell phone is you can send them to voice mail and then listen to the message being left in real time and decide if you want to answer it.  Should you decide you want to talk with whomever it is, simply connect to the call while they’re leaving the voice mail and it’s a live conversation…like screening calls with an answering machine.  Remember answering machines?  When was the last time you saw one of  THOSE???  Ahhhhh the birth of screening calls.  Before then you had to take a chance and talk to people to find out who they were.  And sometimes you were stuck talking to them even if you wouldn’t have answered if you’d known.  Kids these days don’t understand how rough it was back in the days of up-hill-both-ways-in-the-snow-with-no-shoes.

GV has lots of other cool features as well – for instance, if you keep getting unwanted sales calls…from say a carpet cleaner you used once – 4 YEARS ago…you can set GV to play the always loved “You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.  If you feel you have reached this message in error…” message.  YAY for that message!

I also use it as a texting engine for certain individuals.  They can text my GV number just like any other cell phone, I have it route to my REAL cell phone, and I can text back to their cell OR their own GV number.  SUUUUUPER handy for communicating with those who live in an overly controlled cloud of armor in order to keep peace in their lives – like the people of North Korea.  What’s the deal with those guys?!?!  Nuts much Jong-Il?

It also has a simple web page for managing everything as well.  More win.  My techie toys make me happy.

Moving right along toward the ever fun game in any Dottie-blog of  finding the point…

SO – another cool feature which is nice for those of us who haaaaaaate anything about the talkie part of the phone – including voice mail (where you have to actually listen to the talking) – is that it will translate any messages you receive into text so you can simply read them as a normal text message.

This is always interesting, as the feature doesn’t work very well.  GREAT IDEA….less than advanced on the implementation.  But even through it’s flaw, it’s like the broken feature that keeps on giving.  Not only do you receive a message from someone that you don’t have to listen to, but GV turns it into a fun and exciting game that the whole family can enjoy.

Let me show you an example.  Here’s a voice mail that was left for me this week:

Hmmmm…..where to start…..

It kinda begins as a fun little rap – like if Eminem were leaving me a message.  OMG!  Eminem left ME a message!!!  RIGHT ON!  He’s a little scrawny for my taste really.  And he has a certain Gullum-esk look to him.  But I dig his voice-it’s very distinctive, and I can appreciate that he’s worked hard to do something with his life.  So I’ll be happy to get a voice mail from him.  As Callicotte would say, “Coo”.

So check it, right, he’s calling for David’s Bridal.  And it’s two sides.  That’s street talk for he wants to share 2 pieces of information with me…ya know…the 411 wassup wassup.  It’s ok if you didn’t know that – don’t get down on yourselves.  It takes a certain level of cool to understand this type of jargon, and I know not many of my readers have established street cred like I myself have obtained.  So I’ll keep translating for ya’ll.  (See, now that THERE is southern jargon for “you all”.  I’m multi-lingual.  This is why you come to me for these things.)

Now it seems as though I was nominated for something called “Scourge Health Care”.  I deduce this has something to do with all of the new health care legislation that’s been swirling around.  Since I’m currently running several projects dealing with these issues at work, I suspect someone from one of my project teams made the generous nomination.  And according to Eminem I’m “top” in it….so clearly I’ve won (I ROCK!!) and I’m welcome to pick up my prize, which are shoes from someone who died!  I bet it was someone famous.  Probably Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana.  <GASP!!>  I’m getting ROYAL SHOES!  I don’t know who these Scourge people are, but they DEFINITELY know me very well.  This is the best message I’ve had all year!

I’m so excited to pick up my royal shoes on January 13th.  Aaannnnnd he clearly states that if I wear a skirt when I pick them up I’ll get to pick out a nice top to match.  This is good news indeed, because I don’t really know what to wear with royal shoes.  I’m hoping someone from the Scourge Health Care place will be at David’s Bridal to help me accessorize my newly awarded accessories.  And how cool is it that Eminem even did a little research on me to learn that most people call me Dot.  He didn’t have to do that.  He could have just read from the script Scourge gave him.  But Eminem is such a giving person that he took the extra step to make the message personal for me.  WOW!  And then ever a gentleman of respect, he signs off in the traditional norm of my own language.  I’m going out to buy every album and movie he’s ever made right now!

You can see how Google Voice has made my life better, and has even given me a deep and profound respect for Eminem.  You should TOTALLY sign up for your own Google number and see how GV can make your life better too!

Upon arriving home, the following conversation occurred without so much as the bat of an eyelash.

“I really, REAALLLLY need to lie down for a nap, but first I have to go wash the barbecue sauce from my crotch.”

“Ok.  I’ll wake you up at 5.”

Surely we are the most fascinating people on the PLANET!

• It was brought to my attention that 2011 will be the last year for the Dodge Viper, and apparently they will only be making 25 of them.  This breaks my heart and makes me want to throw up a little bit.  I’m not big on cars.  I need to sit up above traffic so I can manipulate my chess pieces accordingly.  This doesn’t happen from 4 inches off the ground.  I’ve always held to the statement that if I had to drive a car, I’d be dead in a week.  My driving just doesn’t work with a car.

That being said…should I win the lottery and have large amounts of dispensable cash – there are 2 cars I will most definitely own.  It shouldn’t be any surprise that the first would be an Aston Martin.  The other….a Viper.  I was indubitably born to drive these cars.  So it seems to reason it’s absolutely essential I win the lottery SOON!

• Dear World,

Please note the following to keep my head from imploding when you speak:

“Seen” and “saw” are NOT grammatically interchangeable, despite what secret genius guy might present as his case for achieving mutual understanding.  Nor are “run” and “ran”.  Also, supposably is not a word.  Look it up.  Become familiar.  Make the proper adjustments.

Thank you for your attention to this matter,

Dottie

• For almost 30 years, my favorite Christmas album has remained the same.  Nothing has ever come along with the power to bump it from its spot or grab my attention the way it has.  It’s Amy Grant’s A Christmas Album – her first ever Christmas…errr….album.  I’ve been through several cassettes because I’ve worn them out playing them so much in high school, and several CD’s because they kept getting beat up.  Thank goodness for my iPod and the preservation of my latest copy.  I listen to it year round.  It doesn’t get old, and I can’t get enough of it.

Tonight was the first time I turned it on this season, because I refuse to acknowledge Christmas while wearing flip flops and shorts.  But I’m glad I did – while I don’t expect a greatest ever holiday this year, it did melt the bah humbug away just a smidge.

Even though….it’s still better with my beloved Jenn-eh.

Here ends the ramblings of my brain tonight.

Yeah, yeah….here come the admonishments – get it aaaaalllllll out now, because I’m not going to wait around for hours while ya’ll try and come up with all of the sad and deprived scenarios that would illustrate my life in comparison.

Done?

Good.

We knew it was in our queue, but I couldn’t remember if it was a play on demand movie or if we actually needed the DVD for it.  So Craig brings Netflix up on the TV and does a search.

His search criteria?  “Tron”.  Crazy right??  There were 4 hits in his search results – and we’re going to go in reverse order to list them.

4) Trona – ok….well that’s a reasonable hit.

3) Tron(2010) – clearly we understand why this is here.

2) Tron (1982) – also completely expected.

Here’s where my brow got a little furrowy.

The number 1 hit when searching Netflix for “Tron”??  (This ABSOLUTELY requires a drum roll…..)

1) The Bloody Judge

Well of course we would get The Bloo- wait….what??  The Bloody Judge?  That doesn’t even have an “R” in it!  Or an “N” for that matter.  So of the WHOLE FOUR LETTERS in the search criteria, 50% of them are missing?!?!?

I…but it doesn’t….see it was a simple….hmmmm

But wait – there’s more!

We opened the details of the movie to try and determine what in the world would cause this to beat out – oh….say TRON as a search result.  You never know – it’s possible that the Victorian era magistrates ran around in white leotards with lighty discy thingers (again, haven’t seen the movie – no idea what all of THAT’S about), with their big shoe buckles glowing a bright iridescent blue – all the while their grey powdered wigs flapping at their ears as they scream perfectly structured English at each other.

In looking ANYWHERE for the letters t-r-o-n somewhere in the description we couldn’t help but notice the genres assigned to the movie:

Horror Classics

Supernatural Horror

Steamy Romance

?!?!?!?!   Who ARE these people???  Now the movie doesn’t even match ITSELF.

We’ve decided that we have to watch this movie.  Because where else are we gonna find a classic, supernatural, steamy romance horror flick?  HEEEELLLOOOOOOOOO!